Let’s face it – talking about consent with tweens and teens can feel awkward. We may not know where to start or worry that having the conversation may encourage behavior we’d rather delay. But it’s important to start and continue the dialogue because it teaches them how to build and maintain healthy relationships.
START EARLY
Ideally, consent should be an ongoing conversation that starts early, that way kids can understand what their and their friends’ personal boundaries are. As they get older, continuing these conversations will help them know what consent is, how to ask for it, and how to give or decline it.
In other words, it should be more than one big talk. It should be an ongoing conversation teaching them how to:
- Advocate for themselves.
- Make decisions that they feel good about.
- Be safe.
- Ask for help if something happens that they’re not ok with.
Helpful tip: Having difficult conversations about consent can be made easier when done in a low-pressure situation and not face-to-face. For example, while driving together or taking a walk.
DEFINE CONSENT
First, make sure they understand what consent is. Consent is making a choice to agree to something. It must be freely given, without force or manipulation, every single time. The absence of a ‘no’ is not a ‘yes.’ Someone can change their mind at any time, even if they’ve said yes before.
Questions to ask to receive consent:
- Are you ok with this?
- Are we moving too fast?
- How are you feeling?
- If one person says no, it stops. Immediately.
Keep in mind: Sometimes teens use their body language to say “no.” It can look like hesitating, pulling away, or looking uncomfortable. If they notice these signs, they should stop and ask the above questions.
EXPLAIN COERCION
Explain that coercion means feeling pressure to do something they don’t want to do, but they don’t know how to say no. Or they’re worried that saying no will end the relationship. Or they’ve been told that if they don’t do it, something bad will happen. To be clear, saying yes under coercion is NOT consent.
DEFINE BEING UNDER THE INFLUENCE
As teens get older, they may find themselves at parties or events where alcohol or other substances are present. Talk with your teen ahead of time about how substances can affect judgment, decision-making, and personal safety. Encourage them to look out for themselves and their friends, respect other people’s boundaries, and never hesitate to call a trusted adult when a situation doesn’t feel safe.
Important to note: Someone cannot give consent while on drugs or alcohol.
BUILD CONFIDENCE
Teen relationships can often involve peer pressure. They may feel pressure to do what everyone else is doing, or they don’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings. They may be afraid that rumors will spread if they don’t do what they’re uncomfortable with. Explain that at the end of the day, they have to feel good about themselves and the choices they make. They can say things like:
- My body is my choice.
- I don’t have to do things that I don’t want to do.
- Just because I care about someone doesn’t mean I should be forced into something.
- I’ll feel better about myself in the long run if I stand up for myself.
Parenting tip: Have an agreed-upon “safe word” your teen can text to you to get picked up quickly. For example, if they feel uncomfortable asking to leave in front of their friends, are in an unsafe situation, or if the presence of alcohol/drugs are making them uncomfortable.
TALK ABOUT DIGITAL CONSENT, TOO
It’s just as important to talk about consent in the digital world. I like to explain to teens that once you send a picture to someone, you lose control of it. You don’t know what the recipient will do with it. And on the flipside, sharing photos of someone without their permission can have serious consequences, including legal issues.
If your teens are on social media, regularly check their activity online and put parental controls in place. If you discover questionable online activity, remain calm. Talk to your teen without accusation and with the goal of resolving the situation.
ENCOURAGE OPEN COMMUNICATION
If you want your teen to be comfortable coming to you with questions or concerns, it is important to be willing to have open, honest conversations without judgement. Make sure they understand that they can trust you, even when they bring something difficult to hear. Here is how families can foster open communication:
- Try to stay calm.
- Monitor your facial expressions.
- Listen and validate their feelings without reacting or offering advice.
- Try to understand their perspective.
- Approach the conversation with curiosity by asking questions like, “What do you think?” or “Tell me more about that.”
- Avoid criticism, labels or assumptions.
Key point: Even when a conversation feels uncomfortable, staying calm and supportive can help keep the door open for future conversations.
THE BOTTOM LINE
It may feel awkward to talk to tweens and teens about consent, but it’s important for them to understand what consent is, what it isn’t, and how to be comfortable maintaining their personal boundaries. By discussing it openly, we can give them the tools they need to stay safe and navigate relationships for the rest of their lives.
For further reading on consent, we recommend the following resources: RAINN.org, LoveIsRespect.org, and Darkness to Light.
To learn more about the Mayerson Center for Safe and Healthy Children, call 513-636-7233.
