Every child is different. Some are social butterflies, others are entertainers from day one, and some are simply more quiet.
Quiet kids often like to color or play make-believe on their own. But when they’re out in a social situation, they can find it hard to engage with others.
How can you both support your quiet child as the person they are naturally, and support them in developing relationships?
Is Your Child Shy, Introverted, or Socially Anxious?
Quiet children tend to fall into one of the following three categories:
- Kids who are shy – take more time to warm up in social situations; prefer to come to things in their own time
- Kids who are introverts – don’t need a lot of social stimulation; social situations can drain their energy
- Kids with social anxiety – want to be social but are held back due to their anxiety
Your child may fit into more than one of these categories. Understanding which applies to your child can help you support them in every part of life.
What to Know About Kids Who Are Shy or Introverted
- Being quiet does not mean being sad. Not every child is going to be super outgoing and social, and that’s OK.
- If your child has things they enjoy and their mood seems good, being quiet isn’t a problem.
- Some quiet kids prefer to be with a smaller number of their peers, while others might enjoy large groups but for limited times. Ask your child about what feels fun to them.
- Being quiet is not something that needs to be fixed; there’s nothing wrong with being quiet.
What to Know About Kids With Social Anxiety
Keep an eye out for these signs that may signal some level of social anxiety in your child:
- If they seem unusually sad and withdrawn
- If they are going out of their way to avoid being with friends
- If they are trying to avoid going to school
- If they have gone through a big social change recently, for example, they used to get together with friends every weekend and suddenly they are no longer doing that
Some amount of social anxiety is normal. Your child might need your support and encouragement if they’re going through a rough patch.
If your child is avoiding social situations to an extreme degree, it could be time to seek professional help. Start by calling your pediatrician.
5 Ways You Can Support Your Quiet Child
1. Give them space to talk.
Try strategies like these:
- Wait for their reply. Count to 5 after asking them a question.
- Tell them, “Take your time.”
- Give them a chance to practice social interactions before they’re needed. Role play at home, for example, how to answer a question when they go to a doctor’s appointment.
- Don’t jump in and answer for your child. Let them answer for themselves.
- Talk to them in advance about what to expect in a social situation. Give them some examples of questions they might be asked to answer.
2. Avoid telling your child, “You’re too quiet.”
Phrases like “You need to talk more” or “You should be more outgoing” can make quiet kids feel uncomfortable or ashamed.
Try instead: “It’s OK to talk when you’re ready.”
Alert teachers or coaches that your child may take their time to talk, but that doesn’t mean they won’t talk.
3. Allow them to recharge with alone time.
This can be especially helpful for some kids after they’ve been to big get-togethers with a lot of people and stimulation.
4. Help them build confidence.
Give them opportunities to practice speaking up, answering questions, and talking with others. Pick a time when you’re not in a hurry and allow space for conversations, such as with a relative, while out running errands, or when placing food orders at a restaurant.
Build them up by telling them what a great job they did afterward.
5. Give kids tools to communicate nonverbally.
You might try using:
- Art – coloring, painting, modeling clay or dough
- 2-way journaling, where you pass a notebook back and forth
- Music – with music-listening and/or playing an instrument
Kids who are quiet often develop skills that benefit them as they get older. This can include being good listeners, being thoughtful about making decisions, being able to concentrate well, and being deep thinkers.
As your child grows and increases their interactions with others, their confidence will grow. Over time, you should be able to gradually lessen the amount of support you give them.
Some kids will become more outgoing as they get older. Others won’t. Quiet kids can have a lot of fun too. They may just not be as vocal about it. And that’s OK.
