Preschool temper tantrums: Every parent has been through them – some of us more than others!
As a psychologist specializing in preschool behavior and development, having a preschooler of my own gave me new perspective on this topic. Tantrums are humbling, especially when they happen in public. Parents have been asking me questions about them for years in our parenting group, Understanding and Managing Behavior in Young Children (ages 3-5). The two that most frequently come up are: Are tantrums normal? And is it possible to prevent them?
I tell parents that temper tantrums, for the most part, are a normal part of kids’ development. It might be difficult to remember this in the heat of the moment, when they’re throwing themselves on the floor in the grocery store. But it truly is a hallmark of early childhood.
Defining Preschool Temper Tantrums
About 84% of all preschoolers have a temper tantrum about once a month. These typically involve stamping their feet, holding their breath, yelling, becoming easily frustrated, falling out, or melting down. And those behaviors are more likely to happen when they’re frustrated, angry, tired, hungry, or sick, when they don’t get something they wanted, or during daily routines, such as bedtime.
The possibility of preventing them is a more complex and involved question. The short answer is that if we can understand why they happen, we will be more likely to prevent them. Temper tantrums happen for many different reasons.
Why preschool temper tantrums happen and how to manage them:
- Physiological needs. The most basic cause of kids’ meltdowns is because they need food, sleep, or downtime due to an illness. If your goal is to avoid public tantrums, plan your grocery trip after their nap. Know their triggers. Carry snacks with you.
- Temperament differences. Review the nine temperament traits and understand where your kids fall on this spectrum. Tailoring your activities around them can be helpful in preventing temper tantrums. For instance, if your kids have a “high” activity level, try burning off energy at a playground before tackling those errands.
- Unrealistic expectations. Before taking your kids to a public environment, it is helpful to have realistic expectations of how they should behave. It is not realistic to expect them to wait patiently and quietly for two hours before eating at a fancy restaurant. But it is realistic for them to sit through a 30-minute dinner at a family-friendly restaurant with the proper distractions (see next section).
- Lack of preparation. This goes hand-in-hand with having realistic expectations. If your doctor is notorious for running an hour behind, bring activities and toys with you. A favorite toy or something new, snacks, reading and activity books, and even electronic devices (when used judiciously) are all appropriate and will go a long way in preventing tantrums.
- Not managing expectations. Mental preparation can be just as important as physical preparation. For example, start talking with your kids ahead of time about how you’d like for them to act at an upcoming birthday party. Such as, it’s important to be patient and quiet while their friend opens presents. How far in advance you mentally prepare your kids depends on their temperament. Preparing too far in advance can induce anxiety in some children.
- Lack of consistency. Preschoolers thrive on routines and repetition. Being consistent about the rules at a particular store or restaurant will go a long way to helping you prevent those tantrums in the future.
- Missing warning signs. As parents, we are busy, distracted, and trying to do our best to keep our families running. But sometimes that means we miss the early warning signs. Temper tantrums are like an approaching police siren. Even though it’s far away, you can still pick up on it. But as more time passes it gets closer and louder. Intervening sooner might help prevent the early whining from turning into a full-blown meltdown.
- Special issues. Some children are sensitive to bright light, noise, or big crowds, for example. If your kids are always upset by the noise level in a particular store, find out if there are times in the day when they don’t have the music blaring. If the music level doesn’t vary, it might be a good idea to go there without them, if that’s an option, or take headphones.
- Not utilizing positive reinforcement. It is important for kids to understand what specific behavior you’re looking for. Reinforcing the good behavior is one way to do this. You can play into your kids’ interests by rewarding them with non-food, non-monetary things, such as getting to choose the radio station on the drive home. Or playing with something that they only get to do on special occasions. Similarly, if they break the rules, they need to know that there are consequences.
Preventing preschool temper tantrums
The bottom line is that not all temper tantrums are preventable, but if you can figure out their triggers, you can start to change the behavior and prevent some of them. Think back to the situation. What time was it? Were they hungry? I often recommend that parents write these things down so that they can get a better sense of the patterns.
Further, some parents find practice runs helpful. Instead of taking your kids on a really long grocery trip for the first time, try running in for only a gallon of milk and see how it goes.
While the vast majority of temper tantrums are completely normal, there are times when you might want to seek additional help. If your kids’ temper tantrums are consuming a lot of your time, upsetting to the entire family, and are getting in the way of family functioning, talk to your pediatrician about it. He or she may recommend a referral to a child psychologist specializing in preschool behavior.
Our Understanding and Managing Behavior in Young Children parenting groups are a great way to get practical information and strategies quickly in a non-threatening setting. To learn more visit our website or call 513-636-4336.
Outstanding article!